humor

"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."

"The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir."

"And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."

"And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"Advertisers also know that humor can help bond us to their product."

"To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem."

"I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven."

"G.I. humor is similar to cop humor."

"I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."

"Today's business and health care climate may not be pleasant. Cutbacks, pay cuts and layoffs do not make anyone's job easy. But that does not mean that the humor need stop."

"Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there."

"Don't go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are."

"Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love."

"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."