#humor

"Before the NSA there was the Catholic Church. What is confessional if not a place to gather secrets? No wonder the church had all the power."

"This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic."

"As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two."

"Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of the public Lana."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"I cringe when critics say I'm a master of the popular novel. What's an unpopular novel?"

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."

"Dammit Goddammit' Defined [10w] Damned if you do and damned if you don't double-bind."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"Whatever demon invented stiletto-heeled boots should roast in hell..."

"Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?Jace: I was following you.Simon: Is this the part where you tell me you're secretly in love with me?"

"The words “I love you” swim and swarm as they swirl and form fluidly, and if you are thirsty then how I feel about you is an extra large—with free refills."

"I'm all for all for one, especially when I'm the one. That's my philosophy when the dinner bill arrives at the table."

"But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place."

"We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.""Scrabble?"He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great.""Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'."

"While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries."

"He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower."

"Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any."

"People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know."

"He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life."