#humor

"She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under."

"I feel like, like pudding,"Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain."

"Have you any other objection than your belief of my indifference?"- Elizabeth Bennet"

"When I have to be in two places at once, my mind at once decides twice which one place to be in."

"Where is Wood?"said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there."Still in the showers,"said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"I’m taller in tolerance than I am in height. Barely. I’m only 6’3, so I apologize for not being more understanding."

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."

"I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love."

"I dance so fluid you’d think I’m a fish. I don’t need to drink to be able to dance—I am the drink. Have a sip and find out for yourself."

"Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees."

"Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!"

"3 Surefire Ways to Win a Man You sucking my cock made our relationship interesting.You taking it up your ass made it meaningful.You cooking me dinner made it lasting."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"Hustling [10w] Fishing's the world's oldest profession;only the bait has changed."

"If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?"

"She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea."

"The State of the World Attests to This: [10w] Common people are too easily manipulated or stupid to vote."

"I’m learning to play the saxophone so when you feel lonely I can come over and stand in the shadows and play it for you. Two is one too lonely for me."

"How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?"I retorted."