#humor

"A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said."

"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."

"Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life."

"Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love."

"Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness."

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings."

"He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more."

"Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: "What the heck is going on down there?"

"Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something"

"Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious Static Through A President's Elegy Or A Nude Hunchback Acquiring A Tan On The Crowded Oily Beach."

"Area 51 [20w] If aliens were truly looking for intelligent life on earth,what the fuck were they thinking going to New Mexico?"

"Where is Wood?"said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there."Still in the showers,"said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself."

"I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians."

"Did He Do the Right Thing? I walked out of the room. I did not stay to watch my beloved draw her last breath because I didn't want all my magical memories of her tainted by the profanity of death."

"Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me."

"Scientifically Proven [10w] Mariah Carey has a brain the size of a walnut."

"She was a tall drink of water from Tallahassee, and I was an instant-coffee kind of lover. I got her so hot that neither one of could go to sleep until the ambulance finally came to a complete stop."