#humor

"Birds [10w] When a bird wakens, flight is no longer a dream."

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."

"I liked things better when I didn't understand them."

"I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die."

"They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him."

"Intelligent men are dangerous."

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but who is the father? Don’t look at me! I wore a condom."

"You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff."

"So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall."

"He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through."

"I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does."

"While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries."

"Oh, goodie,"Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places."

"Alaska State Motto North to the Future.We got highest rape and STD-rate in the nation."

"If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem."

"The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e."

"There is a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, a wooden stake, a hammer, a blob of Silly Putty, and a pocketknife. “You do realize these people aren’t vampires, right?” I say when Sam walks back in. “Yeah, but you never know. They’re probably crazy, like you said.” “And even if we were hunting vampires, what the hell is the Silly Putty for?” He shrugs. “Just want to be prepared."

"I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally."