#humor

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in."

"Twitter Love [10w] ♥ ۵ 웃 유 ღ ♂ ♀ is2g, no b.s.dnt nd 8v3n, wen ive gt uaღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღ"

"Enemies of My Enemies Who knew the enemies of my enemies were good dancers."

"[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]"Don't they teach you anything in your schools?""Not about this.""Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google."

"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."

"When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!"

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe."

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

"Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources"

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."

"Every day I’m growing as a man. I’m not growing in height, but rather I’m growing in love, which makes me seem taller than I really am."

"It's a fact that men make more money than women. That's why I became a man. Best decision of my life."

"If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want."

"I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy."

"You forget, darling.I am the local psychopath."

"What makes you think that Valentine's change of plans had anything to do with your brother?""Because only Jace can piss someone off that much."

"Male egos require constant stroking. Every task is an achievement, every success epic. That is why women cook, but men are chefs: we make cheese on toast, they produce pain de fromage."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."