#humor

"I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons,"said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be."

"Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God."

"Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times."

"Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast."

"What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course"

"We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass."

"Breaking with Tradition is Tradition You can take the poem outside of tradition,but you can't take tradition out of the poem."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"Free Lunch There's no such thing as a free lunch ~for people who haven't yet learned to beat the system ;)"

"Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too"

"Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room."

"A well-read woman is a dangerous creature."

"I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned."

"There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that."

"In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive."

"When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred."

"Tennessee State Motto Agriculture and Commerce.Where the KKK was bornand the most popular pick up line is, 'Nice tooth!"

"They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to get inside of you? After all, most men buy women alcohol so they can get inside them too."

"I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway."

"Consciousness-Driven Evolution circa 60,000 B.C. Random genetic mutation allowed homo sapiens to compete more successfully for food and mating rights. Just listen to girl chatter posted on the cave walls:"Boy, Uggh is hot. He's sentient!""Yeah. He doesn't need a club to get my attention."