#humor

"I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them."

"When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine"

"I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100."

"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."

"You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?"

"Please Don't Commemorate Me Just Yet [10w] The living are only commemorated when they're at death's door."

"Jeez, Hazel,"Percy said, "tell your horse to watch his language."Hazel tried not to laugh. "What did he say?""With the cussing removed? He said he can get us to the top."Frank looked incredulous. "I thought the horse couldn't fly!"This time Arion whinnied so angrily, even Hazel could guess he was cursing."Dude,"Percy told the horse, "I've gotten suspended for saying less than that..."

"Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me."

"I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown."Jace said. "Brown?"said Isabelle."Yes. Brown. It's a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it."Jace said."Well, it was black but it faded."Alec said."Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly,"Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband. "Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge."Simon said."

"I can still kick your pony-lovin' butt with twice this much pain."Thomas shrugged, "I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now."

"Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."So I took it apart."

"You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?""I've a knife in my boot,"she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands."

"Spirituality and Aging Spirituality comes naturally to the old because they're running out of options."

"McDonald's I love and rescue stray dogs, duct tape Burger King crowns to their heads and set them loose in McDonald's."

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."

"He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life."

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."