#humor

"Are all caps really necessary? No need to shout at me. My hearing is perfect when the words arrive in my mind through my eyes."

"Gold is liquid sunlight frozen in time, and that’s why I love the way ice melts in vodka. I also love the way ice melts in vodka. I’ll have another shot, if you’ll reload the revolver."

"A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity."

"I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens."

"Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?"

"To be, or not to be: what a question!"

"If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together."

"She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity."

"Words of Wisdom [10w] Words of wisdom worth saying wouldfit on a T-shirt.@:::::@:::::@:::::@:::::@:::::@:::::@:::::@:::::@:::::@­:::::"

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ..."

"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."

"Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness."

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."

"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."

"Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."

"He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times."

"In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!"

"It's Sanjit. It's a Hindu name. It means 'invincible.'""That's great,"Lana said."Invincible. I can't be vinced.""That's not even a word,"Lana said."Go ahead: try to vince me,"Sanjit said."

"Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of."