#humor

"Progress just means bad things happen faster."

"Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope."

"Caring about someone isn't complicated. It isn't easy. But it isn't complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car."

"A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat."

"The Albanian Art of Subtle Seduction [10w] "You have an amazing mind now show me your tits."

"There is a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, a wooden stake, a hammer, a blob of Silly Putty, and a pocketknife. “You do realize these people aren’t vampires, right?” I say when Sam walks back in. “Yeah, but you never know. They’re probably crazy, like you said.” “And even if we were hunting vampires, what the hell is the Silly Putty for?” He shrugs. “Just want to be prepared."

"Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?"

"Office Depot: Taking Care of Business... ...with short breaks, bad management and no job advancement opportunities."

"A Chuck Yeager Moment {Couplet} There's a sonic boom resonating in my head as I break through the 2000 HP follower watershed."

"Well, that's an evil smile..."

"I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you."

"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."

"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."

"The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes."

"Eyes of Heaven To see through the eyes of heavenis to look upon your fellow manand only see the good in him."

"Maine State Motto Dirigo. [10]You won't find no niggers here, eh."

"I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)"

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."