Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."

"There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t."

"Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."