Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love."

"If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing."

"Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?"

"My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves."

"You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail."

"The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you.""Oh my God,"I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me."

"Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears."

"If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy."

"Trees shaped like deer should not be ridden like benches if they get stuck up in other trees. No hunting farming allowed. Fishing only."

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient, and when you are wasting time by waiting."

"Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home."

"App idea: in real time track trends as swarms of keywords form, and use this data to invest in the next unicorn #startup.You'll be able to ride that #startup unicorn like you are Billy the Kid, as you watch your profits shoot up."

"You should save your hard-earned dollars, because one day when you have no electricity you'll need a big stash to burn to keep yourself warm."

"Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me."

"Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected."

"It's a fact that men make more money than women. That's why I became a man. Best decision of my life."

"My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?"

"I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich."

"If I could convert books to wine, I’d start with The Grapes of Wrath. I’ve never read it, but maybe tonight I’ll be thirsty enough."