Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I just developed a gun that shoots mustaches. Sometimes a disguise can be deadly, especially if it’s your love you’re trying to camouflage."

"The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze."

"The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt."

"She looked, but she couldn’t see. She was wearing an emotional blindfold, and though she heard me say I love you, she just didn’t listen."

"The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it."

"Every guy says he's not like every guy, thus proving he is like every guy. Show me a guy who's different, and I'll tell you to stop pointing at me."

"Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life."

"Most people go to networking events to gain visibility. But in a crowded room, I’m trying to figure out how to become invisible. I network like the ghost of a chameleon."

"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."

"My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special."

"The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt."

"I bleed ink for her, because her name is written on my heart. She’s the author of all the love I have to give."

"My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive."

"Entrepreneurs adopt the ways of the adept and adapt to a changing environment. Actually, entrepreneurs are more enterpreneurs, because they are forever entering into new territory."

"I'm sober. Yessiree, I quit drinking. I haven't had a beer in four hours. Now I just need some coffee and to get drunk on love poetry."

"I believe the way to master my destiny is to serve others. If I raise up others, am I not also raised up?"

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"To know is good, but to know how to use that knowledge is better. And to acknowledge the wisdom in this is the best."

"I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing."

"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."