Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can."

"Treasure isn’t always gold, silver, and gems. Sometimes it’s furry and purring. Happy Cuddle-with-your-cat Day!"

"Read her poetry before you make love to her. That way she’ll be asleep when you do. I’m as romantic as a rocking chair with wheels."

"I sip my coffee like I fall in love—alone in a field of flowers, writing poetry for the mailman, who delivers love letters, but never gets any."

"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."

"My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love."

"I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."

"Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic."

"I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife."

"When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say something awkward I still look cool."

"The wealthier I get, the more money I will have to not have, because my goal in getting is giving, and nothing is better than charity."

"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."

"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."

"We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling."

"Let’s do a 50-50 deal, with me getting 75% of the profits, and you getting the other half. That’s how we can both get the most value out of a relationship."

"I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is."

"My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body."

"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."