Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love."

"Just when you thought you’d considered all the angles, life goes from a square to a cube. Love should also be 3D."

"Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to tell the politicians how much I love them."

"A starving man asleep dreams of food, and even a crumb becomes a feast. When you’re hungry for affection even a no is better than being ignored."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love."

"You don’t need to have a fight before great sex. I can keep my cool and still bring the heat every time."

"Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey."

"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."

"The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table."

"The sun rose and tinted the sky rose, that floral red teeming with romance, and it filtered in thoughts of the love I used to have for her."

"My goal is to be as forgiving as a man with amnesia, but love as if I remember and cherish all the things you do that make me smile."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m drowning in my love for you."

"Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one."

"Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep."

"How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday."

"Last night my shadow exploded into hundreds of fluttering black birds, foreshadowing my love taking flight under the cover of camouflage."

"The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds."

"I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy."