Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."

"Our love, that’s real. Our currency, the dollar, that’s imaginary. Invest in us, and I promise you that you won’t lose your life’s savings."

"I know the X’s and O’s of football. I just don’t know the other 24 letters. And as a writer, this bothers me."

"My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves."

"If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic."

"To show you I love you, I bought you an antique watch. You can tell it's old because it doesn't even work. I got a great deal on it."

"The business of business is people, not products or services. Take care of the people, and the people will take care of you."

"Personal branding is crucial in today's society. Just remember to wait until the metal is red hot before pressing it into your flesh."

"Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock."

"My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life."

"A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance."

"The Sacred and The Scared. Which of these two categories does your love fall under? I should write a love poem on a rolled-up scroll so you’d know which one categorizes mine."

"I can't throw away cologne because that is Nostalgia in a Bottle, the scent of yesterday, and it reminds me of her more clearly than her picture."

"Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."

"I meet people to know I’m not alone. I network like an astronaut on the moon."

"With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get."

"The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."