Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Love now, not later. Also, love later."

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"I have a doctorate degree from the School of Hard Knocks. I studied door-to-door salesmanship. This was before the doorbell was invented."

"People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?"

"I haven't measured it, but I'll bet cat purrs vibrate at a healing frequency. Also, a whispered I love you almost certainly resonates with heart and DNA repair."

"I feel like dancing. If I bring an extra wheelchair for you, would you like to join me?"

"For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest."

"A white wedding dress, once worn, is like the ghost of a moment, trapping feelings of forever into fabric that’s never to be tried on again."

"I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller."

"I just sprayed cologne on my hand and then pet the back of my cat's head while he slept, and he woke up so confused, trying to sniff behind his neck and all around wondering what sweet attack he was under."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people."

"A kangaroo would jump better if instead of legs, it had a trampoline under its torso. And there would be no depression, because it would bounce right back."

"I’ve only been in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky finger. I could have held up my index finger, but I wasn’t in love that long."

"Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it."

"I held her gaze as I held her in my arms. With all that holding I couldn’t hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past."

"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive."

"The only problem with dreaming is it's a solo activity. Imagine how glorious life would be if we could share dreams and create in unison."