Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick."

"Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees."

"If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing."

"My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul."

"I need more frugality. I wonder where I can buy some."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield."

"I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately."

"I used to gorge on gorgeous women, but now I look for things that can’t be seen with the eyes, but are only detected by the heart. This is love."

"I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is one for the price of two only."

"Trying to hide my feelings to avoid getting hurt just ends up hurting not only myself—but also the person I am hiding my feelings from."

"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."

"I chased the chaste, and they got scared and scurried. Then I stood still and loved where I was at, and all approached without fear of reproach."

"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."

"Relationships are like water. If you grab tight, clamping and clenching to gain control, you’ll lose it all. Instead, cup your hand gently, so she feels free to drink until her thirst is quenched."

"Relationships are like water. If you grab tight, clamping and clenching to gain control, you’ll lose it all. Instead, cup your hand gently, so she feels free to drink until her thirst is quenched."

"Why pay for an undesirable outcome with someone else? For the same money, you could have paid me to stay at home and do nothing."

"I’m learning to play the saxophone so when you feel lonely I can come over and stand in the shadows and play it for you. Two is one too lonely for me."

"She's beautiful, but so what? If the University of Florida taught me anything, it's that beautiful women are everywhere. The trick is to find the diamond among all the glittering cubic zirconias."

"Opportunity is not your opponent—it is your ally, but it’s hard to see that because opportunity is often camouflaged and hidden among danger and chaos."