Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?"

"This Valentine’s Day rent a poem for your loved. They come in three sizes—small, medium, and romantic. Free refills available to Premium Members."

"Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today."

"Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?"

"I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness."

"I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it."

"The roses of romance grow when you water your relationship with gratitude. Love will bloom and blossom when you recognize the awesome."

"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."

"I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination."

"People don't care what I wear or don't wear, and even if I don't wear anything people will cover for me if they know that I care about them."

"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Behold, the number five is at hand. Grab it and shake and harness the power of networking."

"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."

"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."

"Why pay for an undesirable outcome with someone else? For the same money, you could have paid me to stay at home and do nothing."

"That point in the sky where yellow meets blue, that’s a handshake I want to see at a #networking event. Sunglasses sold separately."

"Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock."

"My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more."

"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."

"If I were splat proof, I wouldn’t be afraid of heights. Also, I wish I had a bouncy ball for a heart, so I could love fearlessly."