Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher."

"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."

"I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking."

"A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors."

"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."

"She makes my heart melt. There is a limited supply of sips, so grab a straw and start slurping while you can."

"My heart only grows more powerful the more my flowing love goes unabsorbed, unobserved, and unappreciated."

"Sure, I had hopes and dreams before working at @McDonalds. I used to want to be a dancer and a gardener and grow movement on a farm in Iowa."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."

"When she’s cuddled close, I feel there’s nothing I can’t do, and I can’t do nothing about it, because my heart is her heart for as long as she wants it."

"I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure."

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Talk on the door. Try to get it to open up through communication, not violence."

"I don’t want my love with her to wither like grapes on a vine, so I’ll water it with romance to turn it into wine."

"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."

"People with money have to worry about who their real friends are. I don’t have that problem for two reasons: I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any friends."

"If it’s the last kiss, we’d better make it last. I hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I have the rest of my life free."

"I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love."

"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."

"Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected."

"I’ll finish the bottle of wine, while you finish what you were saying about how good it is. If you waste no words, I’ll waste no time."