Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I saw someone who so closely resembled you that my heart started beating like a hummingbird's wings, and my mind flew back to where we were when we were we’re."

"Be mindful and heartempty, because you've got no love left in it due to you having given it all away."

"I’ll finish the bottle of wine, while you finish what you were saying about how good it is. If you waste no words, I’ll waste no time."

"Who we were and who we are are four different people, and the me from now doesn't relate to the me from then, let alone to the you from now."

"It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?"

"I’ve never been in a yesterday quite like today. Seems like the perfect time to be in love."

"Now that I’m 33.3 years old, the days of blue and green are behind me. I have left the earthy and entered into the purple phase of my life."

"The heart pumps blood, a fluid, but it also pulses love, which is as liquid as a wave, and everyone wants a refill. My goal is to be a server."

"I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms."

"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."

"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."

"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."

"Nobody looks at what can’t look. We don’t see what doesn’t see. If love is blind, then so are we, because it’s all around us."

"If anybody is looking to rent a dancing partner for an evening, I have one left in stock. That one is me, and I am on sale ‘til Tuesday at two."

"The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol."

"Before the NSA there was the Catholic Church. What is confessional if not a place to gather secrets? No wonder the church had all the power."

"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."

"As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I’ll pen our love story, if you’ll be my co-author."