Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours."

"I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair."

"As the ice melted, we fell in love—slowly. I just wish the ice were in two glasses of vodka, and not surrounding our bodies."

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home."

"When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you love loving, you give because giving is getting. Giving is a gift unto itself, and when you realize this you understand that you can’t network if you can’t love."

"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."

"Only a fool tells people that only fools buy gold. In the coming future, I’d rather have fool’s gold than dollar bills. Ask Zimbabwe."

"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."

"It's a fact that men make more money than women. That's why I became a man. Best decision of my life."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"We no longer know each other. Hell, I barely know myself these days. I brush my teeth and look in the mirror and think, “Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?"

"Networking is more quality, and less quantity. It’s better to form a solid connection with one new person, than a liquid connection with ten. You don’t want people to think you drink too much."

"They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps."

"I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?"

"When I lost her I gained the future, because she was my past, and she freed me to become who I was born to be."

"A relationship is a sales process, and sometimes you must buy to sell, and when you sell it is to the benefit of both of you."

"Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to tell the politicians how much I love them."

"I can’t use my intellect to figure out how to bypass my intellect. Love lies through the spirit, not the mind, and love never lies."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."