Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?"

"To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of zero. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go."

"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."

"I am the coffee, and God is The Barista. Through me, he may awaken your soul. But the coffee knows not what flows through the mind of The Barista."

"Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!"

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life."

"Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance."

"The heart pumps blood, a fluid, but it also pulses love, which is as liquid as a wave, and everyone wants a refill. My goal is to be a server."

"It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks."

"Telephone pole wires get in the way of great photos. Communication always gets in the way of communication."

"I curse in cursive. It's hard to read and harder take. But if you take it black, like coffee, then at least it may wake you up to the realities of life."

"I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it."

"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."

"Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one."

"My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul."

"Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance."

"As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I’ll pen our love story, if you’ll be my co-author."

"A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a meatloaf kind of guy."