Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I spoke like a spoke on a wheel, as I went around and around without actually saying what I wanted to say. I was love flustered."

"The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets."

"Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers."

"I held her gaze as I held her in my arms. With all that holding I couldn’t hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past."

"If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed."

"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."

"I miss her like 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, and 5 misses 8. When we made love, our two bodies formed one spiral that seemed to cycle to the sky."

"I just bought a bag of poetry, but it was mostly air. The author must have learned from the potato chip industry."

"I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go."

"My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love."

"My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul."

"I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!"

"I’m learning to play the saxophone so when you feel lonely I can come over and stand in the shadows and play it for you. Two is one too lonely for me."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"My goal is to be as forgiving as a man with amnesia, but love as if I remember and cherish all the things you do that make me smile."

"To fast track your business and become the Roger Bannister of personal branding, be a connector, accumulator, accelerator and facilitator of relationships."

"Apparently I’m transparent—with my feelings, not with my body. I’m an emotional ghost, and if you can’t see my love for you it’s because it’s dead."

"If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it's not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life."

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen."

"Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses."