Mark Twain

"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed."

"It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech."

"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read."

"Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

"A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat."

"The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's."

"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

"A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it."

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"

"′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!"

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

"A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat."

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."

"Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought."

"The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell together, as quickly as possible."

"A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory."