Mark Twain

"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen."

"The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's."

"Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms."

"No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session."

"Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else."

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

"Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream."

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

"Familiarity breeds contempt and children."

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed."

"In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing."