Steven Wright

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"