Steven Wright

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."