Steven Wright

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"