Steven Wright

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"