funny

"Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here to kick the chair out from under your feet."

"I may not have been completely honest about that.""You? Less than truthful? I'm shocked, Nikolai. Shocked and horrified."

"I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, “Look at the size of his Naples!"

"She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar."

"I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,"said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow."

"What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?"

"There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality."

"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"

"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."

"Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"You…you got rid of that dress fast,"I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it.""I do like it,"he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."And then he took me to the bed."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this."My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God."

"I take a sip of my beer, and it's - I mean, it's just astonishingly disgusting. I don't think I was expecting it to taste like ice cream, but holy fucking hell. People lie and get fake IDs and sneak into bars, and for this? I honestly think I'd rather make out with Bieber. The dog. Or Justin."

"I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home."

"I want to write a song about the only girl I’ve ever loved. And the chorus will say something like, “I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open."