funny

"I passed out from stress? That’s it?”“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne."

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."

"I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma.""You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma."

"Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?"

"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."

"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"You…you got rid of that dress fast,"I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it.""I do like it,"he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."And then he took me to the bed."

"Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane"

"He must have known I'd want to leave you.""No, he must have known you would always want to come back."

"I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller."

"I want to get the words "Courage"and "Bravery"tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me."

"I had died and woken up in High School Musical"

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"I lost a horse today.''That sounds careless. What happened?''She jumped off a cliff.''A cliff! Is that normal?"

"I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."