funny

"One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

"I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir."

"He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked."That's it?"He looked up. "Sorry?""Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town.""It's got a car alarm.""Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?""No. It's a pretty good car alarm."

"America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best."Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children."We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies."

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care."

"And now,"Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum."

"And you look beautiful,"she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake."

"Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed."

"He thinks things through too much."

"Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat"

"I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career."

"There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you."

"I passed out from stress? That’s it?”“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"I've never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct in me wants to text someone, 'OMG, I've lost my phone! ' but how can do that without a bloody phone?"

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."