funny

"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."

"They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting."

"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."

"She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim."

"Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises."

"I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options."

"She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride."

"On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."