funny

"Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for."

"I just bought some cargo pants, so I can deliver goods at the speed of a walk. It’s an environmentally friendly #startup."

"Are you two you know?"Jacob pointed at us. "Together? Together? "I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground."Holy crap,"Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies."

"You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that."

"I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects."

"The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."

"What's that?"he asked, when I stood beside him again."Halos,"I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us.""That might be a stretch."

"When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!"

"I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t."

"Me neither,” Shane put in. “Homie don’t play that.”“I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all,” Amelie said."

"Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it."

"Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior."

"In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket."

"If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic."

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously."