funny

"Drunken men give some of the best pep talks."

"If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes."

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence."

"That’s us,” he said. “Those five nuts right there.”Which one is me?” I asked.The little deformed one,” Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up."

"Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle."

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I'm no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch you four times, I'm pretty sure that's flirting."

"He thinks things through too much."

"I had a dream about you. We were running on the beach, holding hands. It was a nude beach, but we were the only ones wearing clothes. You wore a bikini, and I wore my dead grandma’s dress—with my grandma still in it."

"I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it."

"I apologized to her once for spending less time with her, but she blew it off. "You're in love. That makes you actually kind of boring to people who aren't in love. You know, the sane ones."

"I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."

"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."

"Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it."

"His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?"

"When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!"

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."