funny

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

"I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist"

"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."

"I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it"

"Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!"

"To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats"

"I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy."

"I had died and woken up in High School Musical"

"Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

"I’ve got a way with love. Away with love."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."

"I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects."

"Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?"