funny

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping."

"The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!"

"Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?"she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?""A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit."

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island."

"*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine,"but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text."Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book."

"I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife."

"The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."

"Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together."