funny

"Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?"

"I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible."

"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,"he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."

"You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."

"Just relax and breathe through your ass."

"Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."

"To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome."

"I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best."

"She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic."

"Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?"

"Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle."

"I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside"

"I want to grow old without facelifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made."

"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."

"How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!"

"I am your Prince and you will marry me,"Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse.""I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.""I am your loyal servant and I just did.""Refusal means death.""Kill me then."