funny

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"Are you okay?"I (Cassie) call up to him."Um. Define okay."(Ben)"Okay means you're not bleeding to death.""I'm okay."

"And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!"

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?"Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark."

"His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing...if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is.""And crazy is exactly the way I like it,"I said, leaning up to kiss his lips."Obviously,"America muttered under breath."

"The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge."

"At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started driving, I wanted to be a Ferrari. And now, at the age of middle, I want to be Stalin’s mustache and matching armpit hair. But only for personal reasons, not political."

"The best birthday present I ever got from my grandpa was a skinny black tie. It didn’t come in a bag, a box, or even rolled up in tissue paper. It came wrapped in wisdom. As soon as he gave it to me he said, “A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one."

"You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price."

"What were you thinking?"I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. "Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?"Adrian grinned. "Nah. They all feel bad for you. You'll achieve martyrdom after dancing with a mean, wicked vampire. Job security with the Alchemists."

"I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy."

"With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?"

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

"My friend "M"says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off."

"My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns."

"Nerd life is just so much better than regular life."

"He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked."That's it?"He looked up. "Sorry?""Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town.""It's got a car alarm.""Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?""No. It's a pretty good car alarm."