funny

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57."

"Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive."

"I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy."

"CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried."

"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."

"The cure for boredom is curiosity.There is no cure for curiosity."

"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."

"When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!"

"hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home,"I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you,"he says."

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery."

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely."

"You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar."

"I just bought some cargo pants, so I can deliver goods at the speed of a walk. It’s an environmentally friendly #startup."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."