funny

"I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, “Look at the size of his Naples!"

"We were kissing.I thought: This is good.I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose,"she said, and laughed"

"Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!"

"Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--"

"I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here."

"Does it hurt?”He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead. “Only when I laugh.”“I’ll try not to be funny.”“Epic fail, beautiful."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three."

"What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>"

"If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public."

"You…you got rid of that dress fast,"I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it.""I do like it,"he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."And then he took me to the bed."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it."

"You might not believe this, but there is no one like her at this school.""Oh I believe it,"I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker's combination and tried to get into it with an axe.No one was really sure where she'd gotten it from."

"Take off your shirt."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you,"she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.""Are you sure?"he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."

"Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"

"Yes, I'm back,"he said, "And look who I ran into."Horace grinned at him. "i hope you ran into him hard.""As hard as I could."

"I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw."