funny

"The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!"

"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

"I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%."

"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone."

"If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs)."

"Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."So I took it apart."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you."

"I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it."

"What are you?” he demanded. “A slayer?"I rolled my eyes. “The name's Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond cheerleader with questionable taste in men?"

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer."

"Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)"

"Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes?"