funny

"Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other."

"My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners."

"It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician."

"Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned."

"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary"

"Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky."

"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."

"If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers."

"Of course you know, this means war."

"You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever."

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome."

"The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show."