funny

"Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time."[...]"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session.""Oh yeah?"I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then.""It's always a good a time to think about you naked,"added someone nearby, breaking the tension further."

"Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up."

"She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot."

"Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.""We'll see."

"Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle."

"The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate."

"My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns."

"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."

"Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t."

"He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."

"The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you.""Oh my God,"I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace."

"I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive."

"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr."

"If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting."

"My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health."

"You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt"