funny

"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."

"He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot,"I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish,"he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish,"I explained."

"You mean she doesn’t intend to blow me up before the ceremony?” said Kai,taking the box.“How disappointing."

"Who are you and how did you get in here?""I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."

"Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag,"I warned him. "Do not fuck with me."

"Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies."

"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."

"Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time."

"Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights."

"Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?''No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns."

"Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks."

"If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago."

"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."

"When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back."

"When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."

"Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time."[...]"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session.""Oh yeah?"I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then.""It's always a good a time to think about you naked,"added someone nearby, breaking the tension further."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."