funny

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"He thinks things through too much."

"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

"I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant."

"In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense."

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."

"In the office, Michael sat behind our father’s desk, clicking away at the computer with his right hand, and making notes with his left. Ambidextrous freak."

"I mean, we're ninjas.""Well maybe you're a ninja,"I said"You're just a really loud, awkward ninja,"Margo said, "but we are both ninjas."

"Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless"

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag,"I warned him. "Do not fuck with me."

"The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming."

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."Need I say more?"

"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."

"One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides."

"I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights."

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."