funny

"He must have known I'd want to leave you.""No, he must have known you would always want to come back."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

"The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it."

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Does it hurt?”He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead. “Only when I laugh.”“I’ll try not to be funny.”“Epic fail, beautiful."

"They call me, The Sharkalator"

"Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time."

"I had a dream about you. No words were exchanged, but we spoke with our eyes. My eyes said, “I love you,” while your eyes told me, “I’m asleep.” You always were more romantic than me."

"With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?"

"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"

"Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!"

"Emergency Valve Regulators,"she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?"Not really,"he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones."

"I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way."

"The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

"Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior."

"The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies."

"Grandmother hates it when I do the "turkey dance."Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn't understand modern dance."

"She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert."