funny

"Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks."

"He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot,"I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish,"he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish,"I explained."

"If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it or not, my parents were so poor that they didn’t even own a farm. Nope. Instead, they had to live in a small apartment in the city."

"Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane"

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle."

"The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show."

"Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much."

"Did those nice church ladies come by again?"He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else."

"Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?"

"I've got the Mark of Cain,"said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?""You can kill yourself,"Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.""There goes my Saturday."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go."

"I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!"

"I was feeling the height of bitchiness."

"Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger."

"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal."

"I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."