funny

"I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield."

"I’m always the last in love by exactly one person."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents."

"I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger."

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump."

"If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?"

"Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war,"Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?"

"HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers."

"To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans"

"The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you."

"Loki'd!"

"All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of."

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"

"Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."