funny

"I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy."

"Puns are the highest form of literature."

"Suspicion,"he said. "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. He's a genius.""Starring Cary Grant."When Lucas gave me a look, I added, "You have your priorities, I have mine."

"I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me."

"I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited."

"It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time."

"I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, “Look at the size of his Naples!"

"Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch."

"You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list.”I shook out my sore hand. My knuckles smarted. “First of all, are we so sure he really is a prince? And second, you’re just jealous.”“Of course I’m jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn’t the point."

"You don't want him,"she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis?""Five percent of people in America have it,"said Ty helpfully."I do not have syphilis,"Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"”Sorry,"Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain."

"A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away."

"I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career."

"Isn't that someone we know?"asked Horace. He pointed to where a cloaked figure sat by the side of the road a few hundred meters away, arms wrapped around his knees. Close by him, a small shaggy horse cropped the grass growing at the edge of the drainage ditch that ran beside the road."So it is,"Halt replied. "And he seems to have brought Will with him."

"I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening."

"I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes."

"Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by."

"Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood."

"Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake."