funny

"She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."

"Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?"she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?""A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit."

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"

"Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said."

"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

"I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it"

"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."

"Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"Puns are the highest form of literature."

"!لك شيء في هذا العالم.. فقم"

"When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with."

"When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!"

"Leap out the window, my inner Tigress cried. You aren't ready to face such a powerful Tiger. I frowned. I thought a true Tigress never backed down from a fight. Don't you know anything? When she's in heat, she avoids everything male. Now run!"