funny

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go."

"To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans"

"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."

"Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it"

"He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot,"I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish,"he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish,"I explained."

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr."

"We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin."

"Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.'Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.'Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.'Stark~ 'Deal.'Zoey~ 'Deal."

"And you look beautiful,"she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake."

"What's that?"he asked, when I stood beside him again."Halos,"I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us.""That might be a stretch."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net."

"Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

"Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."

"Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.""We'll see."

"She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim."

"Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!"