funny

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it."

"A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around.""Funny, I feel that way about you too."He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away."

"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."

"Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator."

"I have no doubt that you are more than capable of bringing the Monsean queen and my son and the rest of my sons and a hundred Nanderan kittens through an onslaught of howling raiders if you chose to."

"I've got the Mark of Cain,"said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?""You can kill yourself,"Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.""There goes my Saturday."

"Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles."

"[Thine] face is not worth sunburning."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?"

"Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty."

"Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned."

"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."

"Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it."

"The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup."

"You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list.”I shook out my sore hand. My knuckles smarted. “First of all, are we so sure he really is a prince? And second, you’re just jealous.”“Of course I’m jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn’t the point."

"The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree."

"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."

"He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.''What you got on it?' the girl said.'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.''Haw, haw,' the girl said politely."