funny

"Sane is boring."

"Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did."

"Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes?"

"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."

"Headline?"he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'"I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'"he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'"I said."

"Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time."

"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,"he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."

"A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained."

"I picked up the nearest weapon I could lay my hands on: a stapler. I lifted it, going for “menacing.” I admit it lacked a certain elegance, but hey. It was worth a shot. David placed his hand on my arm and pushed it back down.“What?”“Just . . . that’s embarrassing for all of us,” he replied."

"I have to return some videotapes"

"Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided."

"I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business"

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."Need I say more?"

"Barzûl!"

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."