funny

"I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career."

"Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here."

"I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life."

"After climbing off his bike, I smacked his shoulder. “Did you forget I was with you? Are you trying to get me killed?”“It’s hard to forget you’re behind me when your thighs are squeezing the life out of me.” A smirk came with his next thought. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die, actually.”“There is something very wrong with you."

"I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs."

"The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you.""Oh my God,"I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me."

"Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn't "Mom"or "Dad."It was "No."

"I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!"

"The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well."

"[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!"

"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,"he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."

"You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that."

"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

"I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, “Look at the size of his Naples!"

"Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames."

"Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders."

"Me neither,” Shane put in. “Homie don’t play that.”“I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all,” Amelie said."

"And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep."

"I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting."

"He said "cool"like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation."