funny

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."

"Jake wasn't about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and tore his mouth from the kiss, staring into too dark eyes. As his hands made their way into Tor's wet jeans he said, "This doesn't mean I like you, you know."

"If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now."

"I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw."

"Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle."

"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."

"If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting."

"Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless"

"WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!"

"Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?"

"My imagination is something of a badass."

"Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom."

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."

"You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar."

"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"

"I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%."

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it."

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."

"Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky."