humor

"I have a really dry sense of humor. I don't think it's funny when people wink at the camera. That's more of an actor thing, just committing to whatever the thing is."

"You could start a fire with the heat between you two.""You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection."

"I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence."

"I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising."

"We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you"

"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."

"And a special thanks for not burning up the whole ship. Including yourself, you daft bum-rag."

"In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh."

"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."

"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale."

"G.I. humor is similar to cop humor."

"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!"

"I can't not put humor in a book."

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose."

"They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference."

"My humor is my creativity, and my skepticism is a gift."

"...Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything...."

"Do you find this...distracting?"