humor

"Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool."

"My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special."

"You didn't have to come after me.""Yes, I did,"he said. "You're far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me.""That's sweet. Maybe I'll forgive you.""Forgive me? Fro what?""Fro telling me to shut up."His eyes narrowed. "I did not... Well, I did, But you were-""Never mind."

"Stop!"Narcissus got to his feet. "This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be..."He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he'd talked about anything other than himself. "He must be tricking us."Apparently Narcissus wasn't completely stupid."

"And a special thanks for not burning up the whole ship. Including yourself, you daft bum-rag."

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

"I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about.""I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'"Dimitri sighed."

"What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey."

"I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed."

"Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice."

"Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid."

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot."

"As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis."

"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."

"When we can find some humor in our upsets, they no longer seem as large or as important as they once did."

"Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass."

"I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself."

"I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing."

"You're a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable."