humor

"Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger."

"He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?"she asked innocently."That I did not mind."He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection."

"My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long."

"How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?"I retorted."

"Whether planned or not, humor takes our mind off of our troubles."

"Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. - Jace"

"She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie."

"Yes, I have a good sense of humor to sort of last a long time in show business, and I think to be able to find comedic value in who you are and the people that you work is always a good thing."

"Humour is the weapon of unarmed people: it helps people who are oppressed to smile at the situation that pains them."

"Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth"

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I think a cool #startup would be a company that makes Finish line tape, for marathons. In the long run, it could be very profitable."

"Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. "I'm glad you're not a guinea pig.""Me, too."I hoped my face wasn't as red as it felt."

"I can hold my alcohol, just like I’m a wine bottle. I dance as fluid as glass, and my heart shatters just as easily."

"As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...]"

"Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut."

"Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some."

"The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."