humor

"George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words."

"Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!"

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."

"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"Ooh..I want one"- BexThey're not puppies."-Cammie"

"My hands could be considered deadly weapons. You see, I write with both of them."

"Women's humor seems to be a little more supportive. It's just kind of trying to make the other one laugh through funny voices and kind of talking about other people. I respond to that. I feel less like I'm going to get beat up in a room full of women than I do in a room full of guys."

"To me, nudity is a joke. I don't think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be the standard thing. Imagine, stripping a woman down, and she has a body like a little submarine. With periscope, propellers, torpedoes. That would be the one for me. I'd marry her right off and be faithful to the end."

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

"The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage."

"He said he came in second place, so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love, there may have been a third party involved."

"No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth."

"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."

"I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle."

"If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever."

"Basia coquum,"Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is.""It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy,"said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook.""Dammit,"said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me."

"I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil' Demons lunch box. I left him alive - partly because he had a cool lunch box..."

"He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo."

"The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun."