humor

"Oh, of course,"said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library."

"A rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you."

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."

"I turned to Dionysus. "You cured him?""Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple.""But...you did something nice. Why?"He raised and eyebrow. "I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed?"

"I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!"

"Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane"

"I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry."

"My senior year of high school, I was voted 'Wittiest.' So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money."

"Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed"

"I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason,"and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business."

"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"I fish the old-fashioned way—with dynamite and screen doors for nets. Don’t be rude—knock before entering the kill zone."

"He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy..."

"There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking"

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you."

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."