humor

"We are not going to die."Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?""No. And do you know why?"He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die."I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die."

"It's great to be able to connect parents with children both emotionally and through humor. I look forward to exploring family entertainment once again and examining the specifics of our day-to-day lives against the backdrop of an extraordinary adventure."

"A raisin on the ground is full of hope that if it just keeps aging, it will turn into wine and get drunk on its wrinkly self."

"I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life,"Katsa said. "Not even to save yours.""Well."Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out."

"Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you."

"Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex.""At least you know he's still available."

"I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like."

"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."

"We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon."

"To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome."

"I can only assume,"said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own."

"I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?"

"No. Now, shut up and eat your pears."

"A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly."

"I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point."

"All the people who follow me on Twitter know my sense of humor. I sometimes forget the blogosphere will give it more weight than I intended."

"My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November."