humor

"One thing my family has shown me is that having a sense of humor is everything."

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?"

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here."

"Most people go to networking events to gain visibility. But in a crowded room, I’m trying to figure out how to become invisible. I network like the ghost of a chameleon."

"If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away."

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

"She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?"

"Every guy says he's not like every guy, thus proving he is like every guy. Show me a guy who's different, and I'll tell you to stop pointing at me."

"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."

"My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love."

"Would you mind repeating that? I'm afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I've longed to hear."

"A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it."

"To this day, I've found that it doesn't matter what a guy looks like if he's really funny. His sense of humor makes him attractive. On the other hand, you don't hear men saying, 'No she's not pretty, but is she ever funny!'"

"You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.""I was ninety percent sure.""I see,"Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain."What the hell was that for?""The other ten percent."

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right."

"Humor, humility, and, of course, honesty, all are qualities that work in public and cultural diplomacy."

"Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor"

"DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH."

"I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments."