#humor

"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"When you find yourself in hot water, what else can you do but make a spot of tea? I still have a spot of tea on my shirt from yesterday."

"My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?"

"Do Me No Favors Haiku 'Do me no favors ~I can take care of myself.So, pay the check and drive me home."

"No-brainers [10w] No-brainers are challenging enough for people with no fucking brains."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."

"Soulmate [10w] When you meet your soulmate,God's walked into the room."

"When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone —‘I didn’t mean to startle her"

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

"Ode to a Wastepaper Basket I love the way you sit in the corner,gracious like a lover,catching my every crumpled vanity."

"I don’t know what I’ll do until I know what you’ll do. I’m proactive with my preemptive reactive strategy."

"Telekinetic Poker Players Telekinetic poker players have a tell when they're bluffing:they always raise you."

"Sometimes God is Drunk [10w] Satan's sudden appearance means God is on a drinking binge."

"Child on a Swing Haiku Child screeches like birdas swing reaches for heaven.Stars fill his pocket."

"A goal without a plan is just a wish."

"This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people."