#humor

"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,"he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."

"The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile."

"And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you."

"Busch Beer: Head for the mountains... [10w] ...and fall off the precipice shitfaced."

"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it."

"I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That's because it was a book on love that I read while making love. I multitask like I pay by the hour."

"Rainbows and Gratuitous Violence Whenever I see a rainbow, I want to punch a penguin in the face."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"Missed Childhood [10w] + {Couplet} Adolescence spent upon a cross,regrettably is childhood's loss."

"Whether you think you're right or you think you're wrong. You're right.""If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint."

"My writing has appeared in the New Yorker and The Atlantic Monthly, though whenever the newsstand guy catches me scribbling my poetry in them, he always comes along later and erases it."

"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."

"When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living."

"Dysfunctional Love We split up not because he or she didn't love us,but because they did love us in the only way they knew how."

"Irish-Gaelic Wife-Fooking Proverb The truth can't be concealedI fooked your Caitlin from behind,because you can never plow a field by just turning it over in your mind.By the way, Caitlin's last words, before sucking me cock, were"Me husband's balls smells like ballyblue cheese, ahhhhhh, Éirinn go Brách!"

"Success is suffocating. The air is thinner at the top."

"Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!"

"My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling."