#humor

"Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God."

"Theology, philosophy, metaphysics, and quantum physics are merely ways for God to have his smart people believe in him"

"I have the superhero gift of invisibility. I must be invisible, because the woman I love doesn’t see me. I might as well be into Helen Keller."

"I guess it’s true what they say,"observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches.""That’s atheists, jackass,"said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches."

"As soon as you cross the county line into where all the wealthier people live, the weather is suddenly sunnier and warmer. Even at night."

"The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?"

"She had coffee-colored eyes, if java were blue-green, and we made love like nobody was watching, which is probably why the audience demanded a refund for our poor performance."

"Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we're talking...a minus 6. And it's not like I even have very high standards."

"Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs."

"I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares."

"These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.""I was referring to the Bible."Faukman cringed. "I knew that."

"War [10w] Fight wars not to win, but so our enemies don't."

"Peter to Austin:"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7."

"I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating."

"Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow."

"I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?"

"Ode to a Wastepaper Basket I love the way you sit in the corner,gracious like a lover,catching my every crumpled vanity."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell."

"Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection."He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try."(Adrian)"